The Sheitgeist Index
Capturing the Sheitgeist: a beat-the-bullshit no-holds-barred deconstruction of stupid twenty-first century habits. Described in that stupid third-millennia language-is-our-prisoner, buzzword-bingo way.
1. Arrangement fatigue
Everyone’s so damn busy, and you spend so long trying to meet up with four old friends that at least half the potential group lose interest anyway.
2. Choice inertia
You can’t decide between tea-tree washing-up liquid with added air quality enhancer or hand-soothing lemon freshness, so you do nothing.
3. Party arbitrage
Sounds like a great party, but you might get a better offer, and you’d like to decide at the very last moment. Later, even. Goes hand-in-hand with late-onset arrogance.
4. Trophy husbandry
Female high-fliers seeking out a buff/bright/ballsy stay-at-home guy as their trailing spouse.
5. Subscription addiction
Convinced your life would be immeasurably improved if you could speed-read the Economist, Elle Deco and the Spectator, you take out multiple-subscriptions but are, of course, far too busy to read them.
6. Wish-list envy
Too time-poor to develop your own wishlist on Amazon.com, you surf someone else’s and nick their obscure interests in, say, the work of Kilburn artist Robert Lenkiewicz.
7. Life-force sappery
Those friends who suck your energy and want to meet up all the time but you don’t have any oomph left to tell them the friendship’s over.
8. Furry fandom
Your neighbour has a kitten. Your Mum has a kitten. Everyone in your office has a kitten. It’s like it’s gonna make them feel better, or something.
9. Post-penetration generation
Everyone you know is so kinky that they don’t even have old-fashioned sex anymore.